Pour of tears

It feels like you have fallen down so low then a person comes in front of you, judging you and lets you down to the lowest part.

Is that sound bad ?


It's horrible.

I've been thinking thousand times that I wouldn't hurt anyone if I didn't meet them. I feel I give a very bad impact for them. Especially for the beloved one.

"What if he didn't meet me... he won't be hurted like this"

"What if he didn't love me... he didn't need to fall for me"

"What if he didn't know me... he will be happy"

And there's many more "what if" phrases in my mind...

I am deeply sorry...

For what I have done. For what I have been being. For who I am.

I am sorry...

Because I invite so much problems for you...also so much heart pain.

I am sorry...

This wasn't under my control to make you face those bad things caused by me.

I am sorry... you actually don't deserve those disavantages from me.

Not at all.

Maybe I'll always be the reason that make you feel guilty all day.

Like you have said before, in several times.

You know, I am a type of girl who prefer let people happy without me instead of forcing people to fall for me. It's not a happiness.

I often lay in my bed, doing nothing, close my eyes and think... do I give him good thing to be happy for ? Or... have I done terrible things to him ?

In fact, I used to remember all your sayings

And I trust it. I keep that in my memory... and I make a brief that you must be serious saying somethings repeatedly to me. It must be the truth, the honesty.

I am sorry for always making you wrong...

I am sorry for always being me...for always being Nada, a clumsy girl who always loves you too much.

I'll stop pushing you to receive sadness with me.

I'll be back to the 15-years-old Nada, trying to facing sadness alone.

The old me knew well, in the lifetime I should spread happiness (not sadness) to my beloved ones.

Wish me luck to return that girl back :')

I will die alone someday, so that's the fact I have to be used to.

Bad person deserves bad thing. Remember that, little girl.


Less Oriented Girl


Art Festival of SMA Negeri 4 Jayapura

This couple weeks have been extremely full of duty for me and some of my friends who had became the organizing committee for the event. The process is soooo frustrating! For helding this art festival, we have to earn at least 200 million rupiahs (okay, it’s all money guys, not a leaves or crumps). I am sure that me and my friends are great! In spite of studying and doing homework, we also have to concern about money, money, money. Many afford we had done for that bunch of money, such as collecting donation to students’ parents, government, bank, and many kind of company. My position in the organization chart is secretary, in marketing management. Making letter, typing, bla bla bla…. -_- All day long I have to be starring at my monitor and typing the letter so that my friens could continue working collecting money. I think I am almost expert at this level of job and I enjoy it very much. I'd love to design invitation, and use my cretivity by this kind of job. I'm enjoying spending my time 'making fun' of my laptop and softwares. I love technology! :P The festival will be held in May 12th 2012 at Universitas Cenderawasih assembly. This will be a damn cool festival we ever will have! the theme we apply in this event is Spirit of Papua and all the performer is trained well. We'll be showing theatre, choir, bands, traditional and modern dance, and so on. Conceptionally all the performance will be colaborated each other in unpredictable plot. Oh, and there will be television star in the show! They are Vincent, Ade AFI, and Fungky Papua. It's actually the reason why the budget is expanding to the amount of 400 million!!! Curious about it ? Go buy the ticket, it's cheap anyway. For students : Rp. 25.000. For public : Rp. 50.000 The ticket price will be increased two times at Friday and Saturday. Don't blame me if you miss this fabuluous show. Cheers


going to be a sixteen years old girl

Dear boy, I didn't notice so much effort you do for getting me smiling. You really did it well, but I was very clueless to see a damn obvious thing like that. I got no sign, and showed no action to reply your attempt to make me happy. I thought you were just like any other despite the deepest feeling of my heart said that you are the right one.

Dear boy, jealousy often overwhelmed me crazily when other girl get a chance talking to you which was I didn't get because you're likely starring at me instead of chat with me. I hit your body at random part any time I was jealous, and the next thing I did is went hiding to the backyard of the school to cry alone regreting my doings.

Dear boy, I get mad almost in anytime I talked and you were just kept starring at me without at least a single sentence. Even I was angry when my very-long-story only received about 'one-two word' answers. I damned so much and took large amount of energy in thinking to make you feel that telling a long story which is you won't tell to anyone else but me, is a obligation.

Dear boy, yesterday I browsed the web and read about boys' reasons to break up with their girlfriend. I saw "changing her boyfriend's personality until suits with her will" in the first chart and curse how stupid I was because of closing the tab quickly immediately after reading the sentence, had a lot of fears of losing your affection by my stupid and coward mindset.

My eyes were blind and failed to see that the months ago me's selfishness to someone I give my heart with a good grace. It's undoubtly horrible to remember my bad treating to my loved ones. The pride I had been owning this long ago faded away as you hammer me home and open my eyes to the great affection ever was. But surprisingly the current me version's stil having a bit of pride to admit my wrong, and beg forgiveness for my sin.

I apologized to you repeatedly, and it broke my heart a little when you didn't get angry. It broke my heart a lot when i was the only one that's mad at myself and at the situation. You kept on asking me if i was okay, and truth is, i was not. But you knew that i stilll have too much pride in me to admit that too.

The article opened my eyes to something that the fifteen years old me failed to see; that you love me despite of anything, despite of everything, and that you always will. Your deep silence I got is so clear now. I have understood that you has been listening me so patiently, and you paid full attention on me even when I'm talking. I realize that you've done something charming, listening more than talking. I just didn't know how odious a boy might be if a boy keep on talking bullshit and never listen to what you say. Sometimes I was furious when you grip my hand or something like that but you still had patience to tell me that those action was to keep me away from danger, for instance, to avoid my hand from insect's shit which I almost touched.

Now that i think about it, the other girls might receive the freedom, and that bitch might have stolen my precious time as well my freedom, but i was the one chosen by God to be the one loved by a boy as wonderful as you are.
Dear boy, you are grown up well becoming a great man.

And if ever that bitch's reading this:
Go to hell.

express overdo

January, 10th 2012: HILARIOUS DAY

Yeah, you could read it by yourself, it is an extremely HILARIOUS day!!!!
Give me high five for that guys! Please!

This wonderful day was started by my math teacher, Mr. Mula Tambun Saribu. Our math teacher is changed, and everyone in the class funnily moan it. For myself and I, my previous math teacher and our current teacher is the same good. But in a different way you didn't notice. He is cheerful and funny, moreover, he intimate with technology.
But hey, this is fustrating! That's what exactly not made my day.

Okay, before the story goes longer and complicated like Indonesia's economy problem, we are heading to the next moment :D
After math, we got chemistry to learn. Bwah, dear Mr. Chemistry, why isn't you as hot as Chemical Romance,huh? We will might need citric acid for The Black Parade,if I right?
(ugh, stop it. This way too amazing. HAH)

the last lesson is Art. For the eleven grade, we have acting and drama-ing. Our teacher is a real artist, believe me. He surely teaches us how to act happiness, sadness, misery, tremendous anger, laughing, being mad (for this role we don't need much effort to play it somehow haha) and etc.
We are asked to write a story about our last holiday in 30 minutes later. This task is like another blog post, I did it the same way when I do a posting. Personally I think that my own mind already has its unique beat of writing that give my writing a peculiar me. We had to collect our writing 10 minutes before the bell ring. Suddenly, Mr. Jeff told me to go read my work in front of the class. So that, with my special unbearable clueless expression, I read my writing titled "Sabang Sampai Merauke". After I finished read it, my teacher remarked that my work was very good. He told me that I am talented to become a writer.
Yeah, hit me.

This kind of quirk thing is happened again. It's like when I recklessly followed an essay-writing competition in Cenderawasih University and won as the third winner! Wkwkwk, how can this kind of rare thing possibly be happened? :D
but, still......no! It's not the great things I mentioned.

'So what is it?' the small voice in your head all says.
I'm not going to explain in this paragraph. Because I have to get you fellows all are too curious and dying to kill me if I don't tell you the main thing is in the next sentence. Hahaha. Maybe it's too overdo for a joke. :D (that's what my mom will say if she catch me on this blog of mine)
but maybe one of you really will? :p
The bell rang! Actually, I want to write the pretty sound of the bell (to get this post more alive like all of the writers do), but I don't have any idea to even spell it. You are allowed to imagine how the bell sounds by your own creativity. Haha, what the hell.

As the bell started to ring, it's a sign for me to prepare myself to get on an after-school-meeting. Ohh...this was soooo GREAT! The only one whom opinion suited me is Trivena (the Co-president of students council, and got position as Talent manager in the action). It was a dissatisfactory, bet on it. The meeting run at a snail's pace!
So? Are you fully satisfy now? You have known the biggest thing of the day.

Do a prayer of me, please ;D
Beg me a bunch of patience for not being perfectionist.