Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

6.5.19

Thank you for being alive


I saw somebody died last week. He died because of cancer.
His final moment wasn't like what you see in movies, where everybody is gathering around the dying person and they are holding him while the person said his last words and then slowly exhale the last breath. 
It was that afternoon where I sat with his wife and talking about how she probably couldn't handle seeing her husband go away. 5 minutes later, he is already gone without someone even noticing. We tried in disbelief to find his pulse, I thought: I'm so bad at sensing pulse and heartbeat, right? Sometimes it's just hard to find any, isn't it? There's no way it would be this soon! My other friends rushed out to searching for the doctor, the wife screamed in pain calling her husband's name over and over again, hoping he still could hear us. The nurse came in to check, but it turned out there was no longer life in him. 

I could still recall this exact moment in my head until today. It always got me goosebumps just thinking about it. I still got the same chills in my bone.

On the next day I was in the mortgage, seeing the dead body being prepared for the funeral. I was there when the corpse has been cleaned and wrapped up with kafan, on the last moment when the family could see his face for the last time. I still recall how shaken the daughter was, when she cried over my shoulder. Everyone in the room shed tears, including me. Eventhough I am not the one who cry when people are around, I cried that noon. It's so painful to see their hearts breaking. 

What happened lately got me really wondering, what is it to live as if you might not be around the next day.
So often we just sit there and take for granted that we're gonna see people over and over again.
We don't really think about the fact that the day that we've been given is a blessing. We are so busy tackling our daily routines that we don't pause for a moment and say to the people we hold so dearly about how much their existence means to us. 

We often don't say that because it seems too much and too serious. It seems overly emotional. And yet really thinking about things and looking at the real perspective of life, 

the truth is
we really don't know that we have tomorrow.


So,
to the person reading this right now,
thank you for being my friends
I might haven't said it before, and you might not realize it,
but please know this:

I appreciate you. 
I'm so grateful of you in my life. 
You're such a blessing to me and anyone else around you
and regardless to anything, I'm so lucky to have known you. 
So no matter where you are,
whether it's a quarter mile away 
or halfway across the world, 

I'm glad you are there. 

9.2.17

Count Your Blessings

I actually should be studying for the exam right now. But my body refuses so I think I should write some thoughts that have been lingering on my mind these 2 days during my resting time.

~~~

"Haben Sie nie krank gefühlt?"
"Nein,gar nicht."


It's amazing how life can flip 180 degrees in one night. You felt great the night before, planning on your next day hoping you can be as productive as what you did today but plan is plan. We have no control on what happens next.

It does feel hard. It makes you want to go back and cry on your parents shoulder. But no, you have to learn. Problem isn't meant to make you hurt, to make you stronger that is.

When it seems like everything is against your will, think again. You've got one problem that suffers you a lot, fails you at any aspirations you had, but try to count your blessing. You still can breath normally, you still have food to eat, roof above your head, warm blanket to cuddle in. You got a loving family who prays for you all the time, friends who wish you a soon recovery. You aren't situated at the war places where you have to be afraid to be bombed every second of your life. You still can enjoy peace, being able to walk, to write, to read, to see.
The list still goes on.

Now that I think about it, I just realized how meaningful my name is.

Shakira is an Arabic female given name meaning "thankful". It is the feminine active participle of the verb شَكَرَ, "to be thankful".-Wikipedia

Maybe this is why my parents gave me this name. So that I remember to be thankful for everything that I have. To appreciate life, eventhough sometimes it sucks. Oh no, actually life doesn't suck. Its just a tiny tiny portion of it that sucks and human tends to make a big fuss about it.

If life seemingly becomes so hard, count your blessings. Be grateful. You feel crap because you just haven't been thanking enough.



"...Allah does not intend to make difficulty for you, but He intends to purify you and complete His favor upon you that you may be grateful."
[QS. Al-Maidah : 6]


25.12.16

Long Distance Friendship

Do you know that moment when you meet your old friend who you've been not seeing for along time? I am always having that anxiety questioning myself: 
Are they still the same person the last time I saw them? Do they still like me? 
I am afraid that everything has changed and they are not people I used to know.

October 2016

In October this year, I went home for holiday. I hadn't been home for more than 2 years, so again I was facing this anxiety, worrying if my friends in Indonesia have become people I can't really relate to anymore.

Luckily they didn't. As I saw them slowly approaching me laughing, I know they didn't. They are still giving me the same warm hug I'm missing. Those inhuman voices they make when chatting, how can I forget that.
Several years have passed but we continue talking about the same topics, laughing at the same jokes. 

It is funny to see my high school friends, who I used to met constantly everyday at the same place, now in different places. We are not doing the same thing anymore, we don't go to the same places, we don't read the same books. They are spread everywhere across the globe doing their own thing but they are still my loving friends I dearly cherish.


December 2016 

2.8.15

An Untold Love Story


I am not a romantic lovey dovey person, hence why I actually object to tell other people about my private life. Nevertheless,this time I feel like it's okay to share you guys some pieces, concerning that I have no longer deep feeling about it, as I already moved on and grown up ever since. This story is nowhere near a marvelous cinderella story, but it taught me something about my journey. It's a piece of mozaic in my life which shows me how much I develop, how far I've gone. I hope it will inspire someone who read it.

Well, if you ask me who my first love is, I'll state: I haven't been in love yet! Yes I admit that I was attracted to boys couple times, but I never took it seriously. It was all just a young girl's ignorance, willing to find love. But then I had a chapter in my book that means a lot to me.

13.6.15

A bit babbling before Ramadhan 2015

Photo from Pinterest and greenstar16.tumblr.com 

Disclaimer:
I have no intention to lecture someone about religion or stuffs. I'm aware that I'm short of knowledge. I'm writing this post because I feel the need to speak out my plan to the world so that will be my reminder if I'm going back to the old me. I found out that it really works to tell someone about what you're planning to do. A real example: I told my mom about my resolutions "how to stay educated without school" and I did it for a week and then I forgot it at all HAHA. And then a couple weeks ago my mom posted a status at facebook saying "does my daughter even remember her how-to-stay-educated-without-school- program?". After that I feel really ashamed of me and now I'm really doing it!

Anyway, it's 5 days left until Ramadhan and I'm looking forward to it because it will be my first time spending the whole month (and Idul Fitri as well) in Germany! WHOA!

Last year I flied back home to be with my dear family, so I don't really know how it feels like.
Sadly I have to say, I had no improvement at all since last Ramadhan. What a shame, right? I'm believing that Ramadhan gives us a great chance to upgrade our faith to the next level. But I've failed for 18 years in my life. Now I really want to make a promise with myself that I HAVE TO progress my own life in term of my devotion to God. He gives soooo many great things that I even wonder, what have I done to deserve it? Allah is so merciful.
All the time I was thinking, "you've done a great job Nada, your life is so perfect and you are doing nothing wrong". But no! Even when you think your life is as easy as a newly born baby, it doesn't mean you are not lacking something. It doesn't mean praying 5 times a day is enough.
Let's do some math.
I believe that we should have a balance for life. We have to spare 50% of our time to think about our afterlife. Remember: it has to be 50:50 to be balanced, isn't it?
We've been always busy with our job, school, college, or anything else. We have 24 hours a day.
We are trying so hard to get a good score in math exam so we might spend up to 10 hours studying, 6 hours sleeping, 3 hours for entertainment, and the rest 5 hours are for eating, talking with friends/boyfriend/girlfriend/anyone,and for praying. As if it's not shameful enough, it doesn't even take 10 minutes for each prayer! What a greedy human!
Some people will probably think, so you're saying we have to pray 12 hours a day to be fair to God?
Well,of course NOT.

The first point is, God already has literally everything so whether we pray or not, he "doesn't really care". Doing prayer, following His instructions,it's all for our own good. 
Just imagine this world as a computer. God is the one who designed it and we humans are the laptop user. God gave us books that leads us how to use the computer. When we don't follow the instructions well, our computer is technically getting broken day by day. Your computer is ruined not because The Designer hate you! It's just how the computer works!

My second point is, I'm not saying praying 12 hours a day is necessary. Actually, Allah, The Designer of everything, has arranged it perfectly that every single breath we take can also do US a favor. It means, we could do something both for our life on earth and afterlife. How cool it is! As long as we always set up our mind to Allah, everything's gonna be alright. 
Somehow it sounds so simple yet easy. 

Now perhaps some voice will raise again and say something like : It's really easy! I always think God all the time! Well, ladies and gentlemen....can I ask you, are you 100% sure?
Are you sure you're studying biology for God's sake, not for being a doctor and having big income?
Are you sure you choose to eat some lasagna because God will love it,not because the restaurant looks fancy and you haven't tried it yet?
Are you sure you bought a fancy watch for 500$ because the money worth it, while you're thinking million times to donate for an orphan girl?
Or...
are you sure you're praying wholeheartedly every single day only because you're following God's instruction, not because you want to get accepted in an university?

Now if you're going to scold me, please hold your horses, 
I'm that kind of person too!

Yes, humans make mistakes. It's okay if you're making mistakes, because who aren't? But the problem is: we keep doing the same mistakes all the time, aware that it is a mistake,do nothing to fix it and blame our state being human (who never be perfect and always make mistakes). Dammit, sometimes we don't think logically at all. 

Finding out that I'm such a low quality human (especially for aspect of piety), I have to progress. I may progress my study quickly, but in case of faith.... I have to try to change. I don't want to let this Ramadhan go away without any refinement. A quick reminder for myself: Hijrah does need PROCESS, but it needs PROGRESS too.
Just few simple questions to recheck my mind:
what am I doing?
for whom am I doing it? 
why am I doing it?
is it necessary to do it?
is it worth my precious time?
is it helping me to prepare a sudden death?

Guys, I'm literally getting goosebumps just writing it >.<

so here is my to do list!
1. Pray on time
2. Read Qur'an regularly (it doesn't have to be much,but regularly,every day)
3. Always say Bismillah for every activity I do
4. Don't waste too much time only for entertainment
5. Memorize an ayah a day, just 1!

Photo from fingularity.tumblr.com

So...
I've realized it now, how much I envy other people...
I envy :
those people who never care about their appearance
those girls who feel satisfied enough having only 2 pairs of shoes
those teenagers who can prefer reading Qur'an instead of instagram feed
those volks who can't tell the name of celebrities but they can tell you thousand stories about Prophet Muhammad PBUH and his Sahabas
those people who never rush their prayer
those people who don't feel the burden to wake up at night to pray
those people who feel guilty instantly for a lightest sin
those people who can help other people easily, eventhough they're needing the same help,


Yeah, I envy them. So freaking much.

12.4.15

Belated international siblings day

Most of my girlfriends are jealous of me because I have a big brother. Because they say, our big bro will protect us, blablabla. Well, I can say I'm happy about it, but not really. I mean, there's a huge age gap between us. I was born in 1996 and he was born in 1989, so the 7 years of difference did affect our not-so-close relationship. We were not that close to share stories about our lovers or even friends, because it was just soooo weird. He's much older than me, and he is a guy, so I bet he won't understand the way I was thinking. We fought surely a lot, especially in those days where I always ask him to buy me food and when we always tried to hide our own snacks and never had intention to share it. Also when he finally got a girlfriend, I was literally mad at him because all he cares is his one and only girlfriend. I think that he deserves to be hated because he cares about his girlfriend much more than he does for the family. But you know, like any other little sisters around the world, I'm always proud of my brother. I always see him as a great boy, a great man, and I'll always will. Because like everyone does, I admire my brother.
What do I admire of him?
Here's the list

The reason why I admire my big brother


  1. His music taste is soooo great! He is the one who introduced me to rock music. When I was around 8 (and he was 16), I listened to his CDs every freaking single day. Sometimes I got annoyed because it was always loud in the house, but after he left the house going to the college, I felt extremely lost that loudness. The silence was just so odd, and in few months I feel so lonely along the absence of my brother.
  2. He is the only reason why I was allowed to attend elementary school although I was too young and I couldn't even read (which is the obligation for an etrance to an elementary school). Thank my bro, he got the highest score when he graduated from that school in our region so the school staff really thought that I must be as smart as he is and I can bring more profit for the school.
  3. Everytime I'm going to buy something technical, he is the one I'm asking sugestions to. I always buy anything he recommends without any doubt.
  4. He taught me to google, which has really changed my life.
  5. He is really tall, and he looks like one of my favorite anime character (sakura's bigbro in “Cardcaptor Sakura”). Well, maybe I'm too biased and overdoing it because he's my brother, but at least my mother agrees at that point and that's all that matters.
  6. He used to help me with homework, especially physics and drawing. He is really good at it!
  7. He piggybacked me when I was awfully sick, and I was obviously surprised because I thought a jerk like him won't ever offer to help piggybacking me whatsoever.
  8. One more surprise for me, that he tells his friends about me, like “my sister has won a national competition blablabla”. I dunno, I'm finding it so sweet of him!
  9. As I lived far away from home, we become closer at heart. Before the plane took off, he said me to be good, don't do inapproriate things, and so on. It was just boring and trivial, but the fact that HE did it, really made me amazed. Because he never seemed to care about me, and he used to be so cold hearted. Those cliché things he said showed me the bit warmness of his heart.
  10. Once I had a terrible problem with trust, and he had a really nice statement that makes me realize, although he seems so ruthless in his whole life, he never lose faith and always trust everyone he loves.
  11. The final reason why I admire him is......because he is my big brother!






PS : Do we look alike?

7.4.15

Open your eyes

I used to be that girl, who has a weird music taste. No maybe it's not weird, it's just because my music taste varies so much. When I was 9-12 years old, I listened to My Chemical Romance, Greenday, Linkin Park, etc (my bro's fault!). And my dad never got bored listened to Queen at the car . And then when I went to junior high school, my bro moved out to other city because he went to college, and my music preference has been widening since then. I listened to gothic metal,screamo,hardcore,deathcore,metalcore, whatever it's called XD I love it so much that I learnt to scream too. I love those musics soooo much, to the stance that my mom asked me to stop it and listen to 'softer' music instead. And I did it. Then I met my best friends at school, I started to listen to Kpop A LOT. But now I come to the state that I'm getting bored of it. And everytime I have no choice to listen to, I always have that loud music and I always enjoy it no matter how long has it been. Maybe because I discovered the music by myself and I was not influenced by other people listening to it? I dont know. You don't have to have a reason loving something/someone,right? It just happened.
Ok so let's get this straight. I'm actually not going to talk about my choice of music here.
I've been madly in love with several bands like Alesana, Asking Alexandria, Bring Me The Horizon for years, since I was 14. but I just listened to the songs, I never cared about members of the bands. Now that I'm getting older and my curiosity's getting worse, I browsed about the members of Bring Me The Horizon. And I'm literally inspired by their frontman, Oliver Sykes.
Here is some pictures of him, so that you can absorp it better what I really want to deliver.




What a badass,isn't he? He looks like a member of satanic band (like everyone else said) But no! You just saw a picture of him from an angle.
Let me give you another pic.



What do you think now? I believe, a person who possesed by a satan (LOL) can't smile purely like that :)
and then, there is this photo of him when he was young.




He happened to get bullied severely at school because of his music taste and the way he looked.

Now that we've digged about Oli Sykes only with few pics, the way we see him is changed instantly, right? Or is it just me? 0.0

well I have more facts about Oliver Sykes for you.
  1. He is vegan because he doesn't want animals get hurt. And I have to say, only people with really kind hearts can feel it that way, rite?
  2. He once addicted to drugs, but then he stopped consuming it and went to rehab and now finally he succeded to get rid of it. He admit it in front of many people as the band won APMA Award for the Best British Album of the Year. At that time he could actually hide it forever, what important is, he's already recovered. But he said, as he received such a great award, he felt like he has to confess to everybody for what he's been through,because he was so thankful of his new life. If you're interested, check out this link: Oliver Sykes at APMA
  3. When I watched videos of BMTH performance, I summed up that he really loves to be on stage, singing (or screaming to be precise) his feelings out, and he often smiles really bright because the crowd was singing along. Watch this video at 2:57 and see his expression >> BMTH Shadow moses live . How sweet! He is just like everyone else! Maybe sometimes he looks like a douchebag, but I think it's really unfair to judge someone by their appearance. He does have a body full covered by tattoos, but he has a kind heart too, who wants to be respected for his existence.
  4. Of course, he has negative sides too, but hey, who doesn't? And it doesn't really matter when someone says something like “but there are far more bad things he's done than the good ones!” Well, don't ever do the math. Why do we have to count each of their good doings and bad doings and then comparing it? Once someone does something for good, than it's good and we have to admit that. Doing such a meaningless thing like that really makes you deserve to be officially called out as a jerk.
  5. He is atheist. He believes that we should believe in ourselves and do whatever we want, building up our life to become what we want it to be. He also said that you don't have to be in any religion for doing something good. Well I'm not going to argue that, although I disagree at some parts of the way he's thinking. But it's fine, it's his rights to become atheist. It's totally not my business.
  6. He really loves his family. Maybe he loves his family even much more than any cute looking girls out there who likes to call their parents with bad words because the didnt get the newest iphone for birthday.

Sooo, what I've been trying to say through this post is, every single person in this world always have good side, they're humans no matter what, and humans have feeling. Eventhough someone has many tattoos, it doesn't mean that they're not worth to be respected, to be loved. No matter what kind of music he likes, how much he's addicted to drugs, don't hate. Spreading hatred just gives no good at all, and it would be really wonderful when people start to respect each other for what they chose. Spread love instead and always see everyone's positive side!

Bonus:
sorry Oli :D

5.11.13

In my dream

She comes back
She says she’s sorry
The skilled hands those I missed cares my own
The apologetic eyes that look at me
the voice I want to hear
Tenderly telling me not to cry
If you hold me in my arms
and you disappear
The tears flow and my pillow becomes wet
At last I wake up from my sleep
Every morning is always like that…

I wish I would fall asleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
although I hope I don’t dream again,
Like today, it seems I fall asleep with her presence

She’s smiling
It’s really been too long
I’ve missed that expression
She’s my superhero, isn’t she?
She’s walking away
Caring another person
My chest ‘s like it’s being crushed under a heavy weight
I’m dreaming again, right?
Cold sweat runs down my body
It hurts to dream about things,
I hate to remember
I can’t do anything all day long
We’ll spend lot of time together, right…

I wish I would fall asleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
although I hope I don’t dream again,
Like today, it seems I fall asleep with her presence

Everything is becoming cloudy
but her image is getting stronger
Like I dreamed yesterday, today she comes to me
Now I wish I don’t have to sleep alone anymore

I wish I would fall asleep forever like this
I wake up with her presence still…
If I could only see you today too,
If I could do it again,
If I come back again…
If you slept by my side one more time
If that happened once again,


I wouldn’t want to wake up

BESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESsBESs

27.10.13

The Beginning

It was friday, I was sitting in my classroom and someone taped a brochure on the wall of my class. I didn´t pay attention of it at all firstly. The next lesson is math, and I had semester test on the next week. My teacher, Mr. Mula Tambun Saribu (he is my favorite math teacher) came to me and asked

"have you read that brochure?“
I said "No, I´m not into it."
Where do you like to study, kid?“
I´m really dying to study in Unpad sir! I want to study medicine there. I want to be a doctor.“


he didn´t agree with me. He said that that´s a shame if I take medicine for college. He said that technic is the one thing that suit me very well, considering of my good score in math and several lesson that connected with counting. He was angry at me. Even he said, if I really want to study medicine, so I ought to study not in Indonesia but abroad! He asked me to read the brochure. The brochure told about a management called Jerman Manajemen, which help students to study in Germany. And there was a presentation on Sunday. Mr. Mula said that I have to see the presentation, it will be good for me. I said, that I have no passion to study in Germany. And he forced me just for seeing the presentation. I use the test on next week as my excuse for not going to the presentation.

I will have test on monday! I have to study, so I can´t go there“
The test is not important! This presentation is very useful for you. This is for the future!“
I didn´t have any word to say then -_-
I gave up. My teacher won. Finally I came to the presentation with my mom, Anita, and Irham. Then..my eyes were fully opened! I was so enthusiast. Suddenly it felt like an old memory wink at me. I am so happy, I can be like Ikal and Arai!

Irham and Anita are very enthusiast too. All of us were starting to wonder on how it will be like in Germany, how we will be together along the way there... Remembering this, I am so sad. At the end, they aren´t going here with me. Our destiny is to be separated, how hard we fight to get it, if God decide something different from our plan, we can do just nothing. But I still feel your presence, guys. You are all still close to me, no matter how far we are. Our friendship is too strong, even a thousand miles can´t break it.
I still remember what Irham has said to me, he asked me to take some pictures in Germany, and I have to write his name there. Sure, my brother, I´ll do it then!

To be studying abroad is not easy. Especially for me. My family is not that rich, and studying abroad is such a heavy thing to get. Actually, my parents have sparred the money for preparation of my medicine study. Everyone know that studying medicine needs much money, right? Because mama and papa knew that I want to be a doctor since my childhood, they prepare it earlier. With all the kindness of my parents, they did their job nicely and save some of the money for my study. The amount has reached 200 million rupiahs, that´s all for my future college. But the plan has changed, I´m not just going to study medicine, I also want to study abroad. The counting that Mr. Wünsche has done, the amount is nearly the same. Studying in Germany is actually not as expensive as in Indonesia. Even it´s cheaper. For medicine, that is known by Indonesian people as the most expensive faculty, we don´t have to pay as much as in Indonesia. The most expensive public University is not more than 700€.

We felt safe in our heart, realizing that our money is enough for my study in Germany. But there is a new rule, students who have interest for studying in Germany should be 600 hours Deutsch learning. It will not finish if I start the languange learning when I go to Germany. Mr. Wünsche made a decision to held a German Course in Indonesia, so the students will make it in the right time. Extra course in Indonesia, extra money we need. It freaks me out, do my parents have enough money for it?

Mom and dad said not to worry, it´s all their responsible. All I have to do is studying. As simple as that. Of course it´s not simple to me. I really don´t want to put heavy burdens on my parents´back. The itme went by, national examination came closer, and I don´t know from where will my parents get money. Can I finally go to Germany or not? This question was spinning in my head, while I prepared myself to face the examination. I studied really hard, just to make my parents proud of me. I don´t want to disappoint them again like I did in junior high school. I failed to get the highest score in final examination of JHS. I still remember that day, when the result´s announced, I am not even in the big 10. I went home that afternoon with an unbearable tears. it´s not about the rank anyway. I just wanted to get good score just for my parents. They have done million things to make me happy, and for me, my score will make them happy too.

Alhamdulillah, I reached my goal. In high school, I finally got the first rank for final examination in Papua region! On the graduation day, I had to come to school earlier because I had to make preparation for my performance. Yes, I performed a traditional dance from West Sumatera with my friends. Deep in my heart, I felt my heart beated so fast because I have waited for this moment a long time. I want to see my parents´ happy smile. I have done with my costume and my make-up, suddenly there was an announcement from headmaster for me. I was asked to come to teacher´s room. Then I´m exactly asked to be interviewed from a local TV station in Papua, Papua TV. I was a little confused, why do I have to? Why not somebody else? I was currently wearing an eye-catching outfit and I knew that it´s too weird to appear in TV with it. But Mr. Wayan (the headmaster) kept insisting.

And! The reporter whispered that to me! I heard it first from nobody but her! She said that I am interviewed because I got highest score in final examination for Papua region. What a surprise! Actually, I can´t believe that I heard it from someone I didn´t know. Why didn´t Mr. Wayan tell me himself? But still, thank you! Hahaha. I was so happy and I can´t help to not move from my place. I waited my parents calmly and made decision not to tell them early. I let them know by the announcement, not from me so it will be a big surprise! ^^

Well, I´m only the best score in Papua region, it´s not that great. But I´m very thankful for that, because I could see my parents´ happy tears, not their tears of sadness like I used to make them sad day by day. So it´s me, the girl who has graduated from high school. I am facing real world now!

Fly away

This is my first post! I mean,the post that I do in Germany. I love this town, but I love my hometown more, Papua!
On September 2nd 2013, I left Indonesia. I left my beloved family, I have gone out of my comfort zone. I didn´t cry that time. But after leaving here for 2 weeks, I started to feel weird. I felt that there´s something missed in my life. At first I really have no idea what I really feel. I was sitting alone in my room, accompanied by silence, I looked around and wondered “What am I doing here?”
stupid thoughts came into my mind, this is not where I belong! In a blick my head was twisted and I suddenly forgot my aim to be in Germany. I have forgotten, that those were all my decisions! I am the person, who asked her parents to take college abroad. I am the girl who dreamed of being like “Arai”. Do you know Arai? He is my favorite one. I know his name from a phenomenal book, Laskar Pelangi. That book really has inspired me. It tells about how life can be turned out to be so blue, how people could stand up when the other said that it,s impossible. Arai is not the main character of this novel, he is just a side character, the cousin of the main character, Ikal. Ikal and Arai were a dreamer. They came from a small city that nobody never care of them. They are very poor, but Arai never had a sad face on. He always find a good thing to make Ikal smiling again. In their high school, Arai ever said to his brother, they will go studying in Paris! Ikal said that it´s to much to be dreaming of, but Arai set a stone head and say surely they will go there someday. After their high school graduation, both of them went to Jakarta, unfortunately they are accepted in different university there, so they were separated for a while. Some years had passed, und Ikal already successed to have his bachelor. He didn´t hear anything from his brother in those years. But he never forget, what Arai has said to him. He sent applications to get scholarship in other country to accomplish his dream. He went to an office and was being interviewed for the study. He did the interview very well and got the scholarship to University of Sorbonne, France. He was very happy but he was thinking about Arai. “How is he now? I wish we could go there together!” he was still in the office, he heard his brothers voice. That guy came out of an interview room, and surprisingly, it was Arai! And he will go studying in Sorbonne too!
Laskar Pelangi is a book which was written based on the authors real story. Ikal and Arai really exist in reality. It gives me big hope, that I can be like them too. I love the quote that Arai said
“Have a dream, and God will hold it”
-Arai-
Since that time, I always dream to study abroad too. Thanks God! I got it too! My story is not as amazing as Arai's, but I´m feeling so lucky to be me. I have my own story,my own world, my own family, and it´s all wonderful!

By dreaming gives our brain suggestion, without our conciousness, it stays in our mind forever and work to reach it. I will keep my big dream, because Arai has taught me not to be scared to dream.

24.8.13

I am trying to write a post in German :D

Ich lerne Deutsch für mein Studium in Deutschland. Ich will ein Post auf Deutsch schreiben. Also....
Am 3 September werde ich nach Deutschland fliegen! Ich weiß nicht,dass ich fehle glücklich oder traurig. Noch 9 Tage, ich werde nicht in Indonesien bleiben, ich werde meine Heimat vermissen :(
Heute morgen um 5 Uhr bin ich aufgestanden. Zuerst habe ich Subuh gebetet und danach habe ich Al-Qur´an gelesen. Nach Al-Qur´an Lesen schlafe ich wieder nicht. Eigentlich ich kann nicht  wieder schlafen wenn ich morgen schon aufstehen. Meine Mutter sagt wir sollen nicht überschlafen, weil das nicht gut ist. Zeit ist wertvoll, wenn wir früher als jeder aufstehen, dann können wir mehr Vorteil nehmen.
Ok, ich will die Geschicht fortfahren.
Dann habe ich Musik gehört, ich höre neu Liede dass ich habe gerade gestern downloaded. Gestern Nachmittag habe ich Liede von meiner Lehrerin bekommen. Sie sind Liede von Bosse und Silbermond. Ich mag die Liede! Die Lied von Silbermond ist am liebsten für mich. Ein Ding mag ich von Silbermond ist die Stimme. Die Sängerin hat eine schöne Stimme. Und ihre Stimme ist sehr leicht. Lecker! #was?
Wenn ich Silbermond “Symphonie“ zuhöre, dann denke ich über meine Familie in Jayapura und ich weine leise. Ich habe schon meine Eltern vermißt,und alle meinen Frunde und Freundinnen auch. Wenn ich über meine Eltern denke, dann will ich das Studium absagen. Weil ich mit meinen Eltern bleiben möchte. Ich möchte mit ihnen für immer zusammen sein!
Aber ich muss stark wie ein Baum im Sturm sein und meine Eltern stolz machen.
Wünschen Sie mir bitte viel Glück :)

10.8.13

not so bad

It’s been the second day of Idul Fitri! Yes, I have passed the sad moments :D
Yesterday I woke up at 5 o’clock. It felt so strange because I used to wake up in a huge riot in my house in Idul Fitri. And now I have to wake up when nobody in the room wake up. I used to stay awake in Idul Fitri’s eve help my mother to cook special dishes for the special day. The last Idul Fitri day in Jayapura I slept at 3.30 am. And I just slept for 1 hour! Super girl, huh? :p
This year, I woke up at 5 o’clock and nothing in my room indicates that it’s Idul Fitri already except 3 jars of cookies my mom sent me. The place to do Shalat Ied is exact in front of my dorm so I just took a slow action and relaxing my self at the bathroom haha. Alhamdulillah, it was bright. I love the warm weather J Though, in the end of Shalat Ied, my tears fell down. But I’m still happy, God always be with me.
After praying I went back to my room and nobody still has not waken up -.-
I ate my cookies happily alone, ohhh.... I love every cookies my mom makes <3 p="">
In the afternoon my JM Family did some visits to our friends’ house, Gilang, Dhuita, and Kadang. So this is what we called ‘togetherness’ :D We spent at least an hour ina house. We’d like to eat whatever food served in front us haha. We didn’t have embarassment at all XD
We chatted, we laughed, we ate together, we stole drinks, we tasted every cookies in the jar, and I’ve found them as my new family J Thanks God, you still give me happiness in my saddest moment. Allah is The Greatest!
Funny thing I had in this Idul Fitri is, my friend Maria taught me Padangnese! Although she is Bataknese, she lived in Padang and he taught me a real Padangnese about Bahasa Padang. Confused? Yeah, me too.
But Maria told me Bahasa Padang to give some sh*t to the boys. It’s ridiculuous when I shouted a Padang sentence and my friend Gilang (who doesn’t know Bahasa Padang too) replied with another damn thing commanded by the Padang boys.
Nada : Ang buruak! (you’re ugly!)
Gilang : Ya, den buruak! (yes, I’m ugly!)
The boys made fun of Gilang because whispering the wrong answer to get Gilang mad haha.

Don’t try this at home okay :D

7.8.13

Ich vermisse dich

H-1 Idul Fitri

My sadness becomes a barricade to prevent me from using english. Sorry for your unconvenience :)
Ini adalah hari tergalau yang pernah saya rasakan. Mengapa? Karena besok adalah hari raya pertamaku jauh dari orang tua. Mungkin ada yang tertawa dan berpikir kalau saya ini anak mami, anak manja, atau apalah. Yang penting saya sayang orang tuaku! Lebih baik aku menangis merindukan orang tuaku, dari pada menangis merindukan pacar? Meine Eltern sind űber alles.
Meskipun besok adalah hari raya, tetapi atmosfer kemeriahan Idul Fitri tidak ada sama sekali di tempatku tinggal. Tidak ada yang namanya beres-beres rumah untuk open house, tidak sibuk jalan-jalan di mall untuk nyari baju lebaran yang keren, tidak juga begadang tiap malam untuk bikin kue kering kesukaan keluarga. Yah, mau bagaimana lagi? Beginilah nasib jauh dari orang tua.
Aku jadi sangat merindukan kota kecil yang bernama Jayapura itu. Masyarakatnya yang ramah, keberagaman yang saling bercampur baur, dan orang-orang dari semua agama yang selalu bersukacita pada hari raya apapun. Harmonis. Damai.
Siapa bilang di Jayapura perang suku melulu? Enak saja! Citra Jayapura rusak gara-gara ulah televisi nasional yang selalu menampilkan sisi “seram” dari kotaku. Padahal, itu hanyalah sekeping mozaik kecil yang jarang sekali terjadi.
Oke, balik lagi ke tujuan awal. Tadi pagi aku benar-benar galau! Tak terasa air mata jatuh, mengingat mama dan papa yang jauh disana. Di kehidupan baruku yang jauh dari mereka, aku merasakan sendiri bagaimana susahnya kehidupan. Sebenarnya, kata “susah” yang ku maksud bukan selalu tentang uang. Susahnya kehidupan bukan hanya tentang kekurangan uang, kekurangan makanan, atau segalanya yang berbau materi. Lalu, kurang apa? Hmm aku tidak tahu bagaimana mengungkapkannya dengan tepat. Pokoknya... seprti ada sesuatu yang hilang dari kehidupanku. Tidak ada orang tua yang tiap pagi membangunkanku, tidak ada yang mengingatkanku untuk shalat dan mengaji seprti yang biasa mama lakukan tiap hari, tidak ada yang mengomeliku kalau aku berbuat kesalahan, tidak ada yang dengan sabar menerima segala ocehan kasarku saat hatiku lagi panas. Oh ternyata... hal-hal sederhana seperti itu sangat berarti untukku.
Mamaaa... Papaaa... Ich vermisse dich!
Semalam, aku baru sadar kalau ternyata sekarang aku memang HARUS hidup mandiri. Jika ada masalah, harus selesaikan sendiri. Pikirkan sendiri apa yang dilakukan. Kalau dulu waktu masih di Jayapura, masih ada ortu yang sedia dengarin masalah sepele apapun. Mereka selalu dengan senang hati menyelesaikan masalah apapun yang timbul karena kebodohanku. Tapi sekarang... aku sudah harus lebih dewasa dan bertindak sendiri.
Kamarku berantakan? Aku harus sadar diri dan mulai membersihkannya. Mau tunggu siapa yang negur? Tidak ada. Dulu waktu masih sekolah, yang namanya kegiatan makan itu adalah kegiatan yang paling sering terlupakan olehku, kasihan mama papa harus berulang kali memanggil untuk makan. Nah kalau sekarang, harus lebih tahu jaga diri. Kalau aku sakit, harus siap menerima resiko urus diri sendiri.
Pagi ini hujan deras mengguyur Balikpapan! Wow! Saking derasnya sampai-sampai tidur nyenyak banget dan hampir lupa bangun untuk pergi ke kelas. Pagi ini aku bangun paling awal, jam 7.50. aku sempat termenung galau setelah membaca SMSan ku semalam dengan mama.
Mama   :Tumben mama tiba-tiba ga bisa tidur padahal tadi ngantuk skali. Gak taunya nada lg ada masalah disana.
Nada     : Nada jadi kangen rumah... kangen mama papa. Biasanya kalau H-1 lebaran pasti sibuk masak ini itu, kalau sekarang...sibuk belajar dan kerja PR. Tidak ada atmosfer lebaran sama sekali. Tadi kiriman kuenya udah nyampe ma. Danke schőn..
Mama   :Mama papa kalo ungat jg sedih sekali. Kadang mama iri lihat diva ke masjid dengan mamanya, ayu dengan mamanya, dll. Entah kapan lagi kita bisa seperti itu. Apalagi besok shalat mama sendiri saja,tapi kita harus berbesar hati dan berdoa semoga pengorbanan ini yang membawa kebaikan untuk nada dan keluarga kita kelak. Saat seperti itu yang bikin kita sadar hanya 1 yang masih bisa dekat dengan kita yaitu Allah SWT.
Nada     : Oh iya ma...kue cornflakesnya hancur, putri salju jg hancur tapi sedikit saja. Untung ada kiriman kue, itu saja suidah buat nada senang. Buat nada jadi masih merasa kalo nada masih merayakan lebaran juga disini.
Mama   : Papa mama sedih Cuma kue yang dapat dikirim.
Dan itulah cuplikan SMS yang bikin hati ku ketar ketir.
Setelah puas menangis didalam diam, aku mandi. Wah jadi kangen rumah! Kalau dulu di rumah air melimpah, kalau di asrama yang di satu kamar 5 orang dan kadang kalau lagi apes air gak nyala. Wah berabe! Hal kecil jadi runyam gara-gara kesulitan air. Kedengarannya ngenes banget ya... haha.
Saat aku selesai mandi, jam telah menunjukkan pukul 8.20! dan belum ada seorang pun teman sekamarku yang bangun. Padahal jadwal masuk kelas itu 8.45, dan guru kami orang Jerman yang terkenal disiplin banget.
Pukul 8.50, aku dan teman-teman baru keluar dari asrama dengan memegang payung karena hujan gedeeee banget. Lebih parah lagi, ada satu orang temanku yang tidak sempat mandi XD
Sesampainya dikelas, hanya ada sekitar 7 orang yang sudah datang. Tapiii...tentu saja, Sina (guru wali kelasku) sudah memulai pelajaran dan sedang membahas PR. Tadinya aku berharap tidak mendapat omelan darinya karena mungkin dia masih punya hati untuk “memaklumi” keterlambatanku dan teman-temanku yang lain. Tapiii... kata MAKLUM tidak ada dalam kamus Jerman! Tentu saja dia marah.
Salah seorang temanku datang telat setengah jam. Saat dia masuk kelas, Sina nanya pake bahasa Jerman (ya iyalah).
Sina : Kenapa kamu datang begitu terlambat?
Temanku : Karena hujan.
Sina : Ya, memang sekarang hujan. Jadi?
Begitulah! Sadis kaaan.. tapi memang seharusnya begitu sih, harusnya budaya telat orang Indonesia dimusnahkan deh. Maluuu..
Sebenarnya agak gimanaa gitu. Sekolah-sekolah, kampus, dan lembaga-lembaga udah libur dari beberapa hari yang lalu. Nah ini... besoknya lebaran pun belum libur men! Tapi bagiku it’s really okay, namanya juga mau kuliah di Jerman, ya harus kerja keraslah. Ngapain juga nyantai di asrama? Mendingan kan belajar hehe (aku gak bermaksud munafik loh yaa). Untungnya, hari ini kelas berakhir pada pukul 12 siang (lebih cepat dari yang biasanya selesai jam 3 sore).
Sampai di kamar, air belum nyala. Great. Padahal sedikit lagi waktunya shalat Zuhur. Akhirnya, aku memutuskan untuk shalat di masjid saja. Sekalian beri’tikaf sebentar, mengadu pada Allah akan kegalauan ini ><
Pulang dari masjid, ternyata aku masih juga galau. Hahhhh, Nadaaaaa...ternyata kamu cengeng juga! Untuk mengusir galau yang tak habis-habis ini, aku mengaji dan berharap Allah memberikan sesuatu yang bisa menghilangkan galau. Saat aku masih mengaji, tiba-tiba Kak Anthony (staff Jerman Manajemen yang selama ini mengurus keperluan kami) datang ke kamar karena tadi aku melapor tentang air yang tidak mengalir. Dan kak Anthony adalah berkah dari Allah. Kak Anthony bilang kalau ortunya temanku yang sama-sama dari Jayapura datang ke Balikpapan jenguk anaknya. Nah, saking sayangnya dengan si Theo, mereka ngajak SEMUA anak JM untuk makan-makan! Dan setelah melalui perbincangan yang panjang, kita memutuskan untuk makan di rumah makan Torani yang berspesialisasi dalam makanan seafood Kepiting Kenari khas Kalimantan. Dan ini bukan traktiran ecek-ecek, seporsi kepiting kenari Rp.175.000! tapi ortunya Theo segera mengiyakan saran kami. Yess! Alhamdulillah ya Allah! Allah Maha Mendengar, doaku terjawab :’)
Hari ini segitu dulu ya. Akan kuusahakan untuk selalu memberi kabar mulai dari sekarang, insya Allah.
Satu hal yang aku mau bilang, manusia terlahir sendiri, mati pun sendiri. Tapi ketahuilah, sebenarnya kita tidak pernah sendiri. Allah selalu ada di dekat kita.


old stories unposted, before I left Jayapura

Time’s gone fast
Now I’m here, on my few last days in high school, trying not to cry like a baby.
It’s hard to let it go. I wanna be in high school forever, if I could. But this is not what we have to avoid from, because time always win.
Everyone is growing up and so do I. Surprisingly I have been a girl a who mature enough to make some hard decision which supossed to be the best for my future. Things my friends and I have passed are too precious and I can’t help it to let it go and start a new day without them. But life is making decision and taking risk!
Talking about decision, have you made any decision to live far away from your beloved people?
That’s what I have just decode for my future. I will study abroad in a country where placed in overseas continent, thousand miles away from my lovely hometown.
Yes, I’m going to Germany for college!
Don’t say anything, please. I haven’t asked you for opinion, okay :D
Some of my friends often ask me about this decision I made. A small piece in my heart says “Don’t go, it will be easier for you to stay here around your family and live happily”. I’ve got a thought of that too! I considered that and repeatingly talk to myself if this is the right thing to do. Besides, my parents fully support me going there, eventhough it will be hard for them to let their only-one-stubborn-girl go. Man, Germany is like nowhere. And I’m going there alone without any companies I have  known well. For me it will be fabuluous to have at least one of my friends next to me and struggle the life together at Germany. Yeah, I realized that way is too much. Sometimes we have to fight the war by ourselves, by your own tears, so that you can see the world in different sights.

Dear my beloved parents, I will try to be as strong as thunder. At least we are still seeing the same sky, I am glad.

3.8.13

Do you miss me?

I got trouble logging in to my own blog. I don't know why.
Thanks God it cames back again *fiuhh
Now I have graduated from high school! Yay! It means that I'm no longer a child. I've grown up!
I'm going to study in Germany, wish me luck please.
I know what comes on your mind when you read the sentence above, "Why must study so far away?", "You can't live that far from your parents!" and so on. I made this decision 4 months ago when someone came to my school and pasted a brochure about studying in Germany. At first I didn't really notice it, but my teacher Dedi Mula said to me that I have to come to the presentation. He can't let me be taking medicine faculty in Indonesia! "You could take medicine for university, but go study abroad!". So........that was why all this things changed.
Right now I'm sitting in receptionist room of Asrama Haji Balikpapan, Borneo! I never thought that I could be here. Because I have to, I'm doing a preparation for my study in Germany, so I learn Deutsch here with all my friends for 2 months. This is my first time living far awayfrom my parents, but it's okay. I'm not that type of girl who likes to moan about "missing parents' or "life is so hard" or another nonsense statement. I'm ready to fight whatsoever about to come in the future to defend my lifetime goal : Give happiness for my parents.
I live in a dorm and have figured out that it's really exciting to sleep with other 4 girls in the room. We are from Jayapura but we didn't know each other before. Therefore it doesn't make me clumsy or anything because we got along together easily. Strange, isn't it?
Their name is Lisa, Ovi, Jezenia, and Brenda. Our room is wide and comfortable enough to make me calm everyday. Curious about our room? Images will be uploaded later ;)
I learn Deutsch from 8.45 until 15.00 . It's actually long but I even didn't think it's boring. I really enjoy it!I'm glad that my teachers are native speaker and they didn't want to speak English. They speak Deutsch all the time and forced us to understand. First day, it's hard. After 1 month learning,  I'm get used to this. I can understand what my teacher's saying up till 80%. It's what we call it THE POWER OF FORCE :D
It's really incredible.
The funny thing is...... I think I'm forgetting English slowly! Kyaaaaa...! I have to speak English daily too!
And even my pronounciation of English is becoming worse --' Learning Deutsch all the time makes my pronounciation sounds really weird and I will get confused when I have to change between English and Deutsch in instant.
But hey! It will be very cool because I'm going to speak 3 languanges, how could it be cooler? :P

22.6.12

Pour of tears

It feels like you have fallen down so low then a person comes in front of you, judging you and lets you down to the lowest part.


Is that sound bad ?


No.


It's horrible.



I've been thinking thousand times that I wouldn't hurt anyone if I didn't meet them. I feel I give a very bad impact for them. Especially for the beloved one.


"What if he didn't meet me... he won't be hurted like this"


"What if he didn't love me... he didn't need to fall for me"


"What if he didn't know me... he will be happy"


And there's many more "what if" phrases in my mind...



I am deeply sorry...


For what I have done. For what I have been being. For who I am.


I am sorry...


Because I invite so much problems for you...also so much heart pain.



I am sorry...


This wasn't under my control to make you face those bad things caused by me.



I am sorry... you actually don't deserve those disavantages from me.


Not at all.



Maybe I'll always be the reason that make you feel guilty all day.


Like you have said before, in several times.



You know, I am a type of girl who prefer let people happy without me instead of forcing people to fall for me. It's not a happiness.


I often lay in my bed, doing nothing, close my eyes and think... do I give him good thing to be happy for ? Or... have I done terrible things to him ?


In fact, I used to remember all your sayings


And I trust it. I keep that in my memory... and I make a brief that you must be serious saying somethings repeatedly to me. It must be the truth, the honesty.


I am sorry for always making you wrong...


I am sorry for always being me...for always being Nada, a clumsy girl who always loves you too much.



I'll stop pushing you to receive sadness with me.


I'll be back to the 15-years-old Nada, trying to facing sadness alone.


The old me knew well, in the lifetime I should spread happiness (not sadness) to my beloved ones.



Wish me luck to return that girl back :')



I will die alone someday, so that's the fact I have to be used to.



Bad person deserves bad thing. Remember that, little girl.



Sincerely,


Less Oriented Girl

9.5.12

Art Festival of SMA Negeri 4 Jayapura

THE POWER OF PUTIH ABU-ABU
This couple weeks have been extremely full of duty for me and some of my friends who had became the organizing committee for the event. The process is soooo frustrating! For helding this art festival, we have to earn at least 200 million rupiahs (okay, it’s all money guys, not a leaves or crumps). I am sure that me and my friends are great! In spite of studying and doing homework, we also have to concern about money, money, money. Many afford we had done for that bunch of money, such as collecting donation to students’ parents, government, bank, and many kind of company. My position in the organization chart is secretary, in marketing management. Making letter, typing, bla bla bla…. -_- All day long I have to be starring at my monitor and typing the letter so that my friens could continue working collecting money. I think I am almost expert at this level of job and I enjoy it very much. I'd love to design invitation, and use my cretivity by this kind of job. I'm enjoying spending my time 'making fun' of my laptop and softwares. I love technology! :P The festival will be held in May 12th 2012 at Universitas Cenderawasih assembly. This will be a damn cool festival we ever will have! the theme we apply in this event is Spirit of Papua and all the performer is trained well. We'll be showing theatre, choir, bands, traditional and modern dance, and so on. Conceptionally all the performance will be colaborated each other in unpredictable plot. Oh, and there will be television star in the show! They are Vincent, Ade AFI, and Fungky Papua. It's actually the reason why the budget is expanding to the amount of 400 million!!! Curious about it ? Go buy the ticket, it's cheap anyway. For students : Rp. 25.000. For public : Rp. 50.000 The ticket price will be increased two times at Friday and Saturday. Don't blame me if you miss this fabuluous show. Cheers

12.1.12

express overdo

January, 10th 2012: HILARIOUS DAY

Yeah, you could read it by yourself, it is an extremely HILARIOUS day!!!!
Give me high five for that guys! Please!

This wonderful day was started by my math teacher, Mr. Mula Tambun Saribu. Our math teacher is changed, and everyone in the class funnily moan it. For myself and I, my previous math teacher and our current teacher is the same good. But in a different way you didn't notice. He is cheerful and funny, moreover, he intimate with technology.
But hey, this is fustrating! That's what exactly not made my day.

Okay, before the story goes longer and complicated like Indonesia's economy problem, we are heading to the next moment :D
After math, we got chemistry to learn. Bwah, dear Mr. Chemistry, why isn't you as hot as Chemical Romance,huh? We will might need citric acid for The Black Parade,if I right?
(ugh, stop it. This way too amazing. HAH)

the last lesson is Art. For the eleven grade, we have acting and drama-ing. Our teacher is a real artist, believe me. He surely teaches us how to act happiness, sadness, misery, tremendous anger, laughing, being mad (for this role we don't need much effort to play it somehow haha) and etc.
We are asked to write a story about our last holiday in 30 minutes later. This task is like another blog post, I did it the same way when I do a posting. Personally I think that my own mind already has its unique beat of writing that give my writing a peculiar me. We had to collect our writing 10 minutes before the bell ring. Suddenly, Mr. Jeff told me to go read my work in front of the class. So that, with my special unbearable clueless expression, I read my writing titled "Sabang Sampai Merauke". After I finished read it, my teacher remarked that my work was very good. He told me that I am talented to become a writer.
Yeah, hit me.

This kind of quirk thing is happened again. It's like when I recklessly followed an essay-writing competition in Cenderawasih University and won as the third winner! Wkwkwk, how can this kind of rare thing possibly be happened? :D
but, still......no! It's not the great things I mentioned.

'So what is it?' the small voice in your head all says.
I'm not going to explain in this paragraph. Because I have to get you fellows all are too curious and dying to kill me if I don't tell you the main thing is in the next sentence. Hahaha. Maybe it's too overdo for a joke. :D (that's what my mom will say if she catch me on this blog of mine)
but maybe one of you really will? :p
The bell rang! Actually, I want to write the pretty sound of the bell (to get this post more alive like all of the writers do), but I don't have any idea to even spell it. You are allowed to imagine how the bell sounds by your own creativity. Haha, what the hell.

As the bell started to ring, it's a sign for me to prepare myself to get on an after-school-meeting. Ohh...this was soooo GREAT! The only one whom opinion suited me is Trivena (the Co-president of students council, and got position as Talent manager in the action). It was a dissatisfactory, bet on it. The meeting run at a snail's pace!
So? Are you fully satisfy now? You have known the biggest thing of the day.

Do a prayer of me, please ;D
Beg me a bunch of patience for not being perfectionist.