It feels like you have fallen down so low then a person comes in front of you, judging you and lets you down to the lowest part.
Is that sound bad ?
No.
It's horrible.
I've been thinking thousand times that I wouldn't hurt anyone if I didn't meet them. I feel I give a very bad impact for them. Especially for the beloved one.
"What if he didn't meet me... he won't be hurted like this"
"What if he didn't love me... he didn't need to fall for me"
"What if he didn't know me... he will be happy"
And there's many more "what if" phrases in my mind...
I am deeply sorry...
For what I have done. For what I have been being. For who I am.
I am sorry...
Because I invite so much problems for you...also so much heart pain.
I am sorry...
This wasn't under my control to make you face those bad things caused by me.
I am sorry... you actually don't deserve those disavantages from me.
Not at all.
Maybe I'll always be the reason that make you feel guilty all day.
Like you have said before, in several times.
You know, I am a type of girl who prefer let people happy without me instead of forcing people to fall for me. It's not a happiness.
I often lay in my bed, doing nothing, close my eyes and think... do I give him good thing to be happy for ? Or... have I done terrible things to him ?
In fact, I used to remember all your sayings
And I trust it. I keep that in my memory... and I make a brief that you must be serious saying somethings repeatedly to me. It must be the truth, the honesty.
I am sorry for always making you wrong...
I am sorry for always being me...for always being Nada, a clumsy girl who always loves you too much.
I'll stop pushing you to receive sadness with me.
I'll be back to the 15-years-old Nada, trying to facing sadness alone.
The old me knew well, in the lifetime I should spread happiness (not sadness) to my beloved ones.
Wish me luck to return that girl back :')
I will die alone someday, so that's the fact I have to be used to.
Bad person deserves bad thing. Remember that, little girl.
Sincerely,
Less Oriented Girl