27.12.13

I'm trapped

it's holiday, and I have nothing to do. Well, it's actually like this : I have many things to work on, but I really don't have any passion or power to do it. I feel like don't want to do anything. These days run slowly. I have planned my holiday to spend more time to study preparing for the test that I will face in February. This test is very important, because I have to be succeed. I have to enter my pra college phase this summer.
so... my friends go to swiss, and I decode not to come along, with that reason : to study and prepare myself for the test.
That plan doesn't run well now.
I am getting tired of studying, but my brain keeps telling me to study. And my heart has said it, I can't! I have reached the level, where my mind is totally messed up. My days passed with nothing. This couple days I didn't even leave my room. I stayed inside my secure area like a bear hibernating in winter (hey! It matches anyway! It IS winter). Alone.
Actually I have a roommate, but she gets her own friends and so do I. She goes hang out with her friends and do sleepover in her friends room. Nothing false with that, I know. I did it many times to. The important point is, I know what it feels like to be alone. I just realized how my mom has been feeling all these years, when I was busy with my school, and don't make enough time to be with her.
I was too busy with my own world. I spent more time with my friends than my mom. I go to school at the morning, and then go home at the evening. At home I was tired and still had to study. The rest of the time I spent in front of my laptop. Mom often went to my room, she sat on my bed, while I didn't pay attention to her at all. How could I do that? How dare I was! If I could turn back time, I will definitely not do that such a thing.
Yeah. It's too cliché.
I have been a stupid girl, and I was just too naïve to realize it.
I just got a random thought few minutes ago. I know that's ridiculous, but I have to admit it that my tiny heart has said it:
My life will be easier is I just stay in my hometown and live with my mom. Everything will be okay and nothing to be afraid of. My life will be filled with happiness, as long as I can be by my mom's side.
But still, my brain never gives up: All I do here is for my mom. For my family. For a better future, for more happiness that will come to my family if be a success lady.
Longer I live faraway, more things I learn about life.
Now I know, I have too much things that I regret deeply in my heart.
If I get chance:
  1. I will spend looooooong time with my mom so she won't be feeling alone
  2. I will massage her stressed body (which is caused by me, of course)
  3. I will watch Running Man, my favorite TV Show with my mom, so I can share laughter with her
  4. I will tell everyday, whenever I finish eating the food, it's really delicious. (and I'm not lying!)
  5. I will not just watch her cooking, but helping her
  6. I will clean the house everyday, making it tidy so my mom and dad will be relaxed there
  7. I will chat with dad more
  8. I will come to pengajian in friday night with mom
  9. I will wash the dishes after I've done eating (and not only the plate)
  10. I will put my stuffs on its place directly when I just got home
  11. I will ask mom to comb my hair more often
  12. I will always eat my food up
  13. I will not sleep too long, and I will wake up earlier in the morning
  14. When mom ask me to bu something at kios, I will go directly without complaining or making reason
  15. I will have longer chit chat with my parents and ask whether their day is ok or not
Conclusion of this post :

I'm trapped with my karma. But I'm so thankful of it, although it's literally late.